Be honest! Does your tyke’s personality match the crust in their diapers? Must they swig rum and bellow sea chanteys in their rocker in order to sleep? Does your little barnacle hobble around on one of these, obsessed with finding and petting the monstrous calico that took their leg?
If you shouted “YASS!” to any of the above, then the day is coming when you’ll walk into their room and find an empty crib. In your toddler’s place will be a tattered sheet of parchment explaining what they’re up to via a series of crude crayon diagrams and cute pictures of sea life. The latter will have hidden meanings.* This parchment will obviously deserve the best spot on your refrigerator door, held by your finest alphabet magnets.
Here’s the short of it. Yes, your baby will be gone forever. No, they’re now crawling away from you as much as they’re scuttling toward the promise of high sea adventures and vitamin C deficiencies. Don’t be selfish and get all pissy. Remember, your toddler is only a toddler in land years. In sea years, they’re early-to- mid-twenties, easy.
Before they slip out their play deck and onto a poop deck, you should take the opportunity to impart this bit of crucial wisdom: “Stop messing with calicos.” Thankfully this beautifully illustrated book will aid you. (You would also be wise to get them this.)
Think of Titanicat as a hardcover back-to-school special. But minus the “school” part, since the story takes place at a time when mothers clogged their mammary glands with pine tar and hot sauce to steer their babies away from free lunches and toward earning them in sawmills, coal mines and the boiler rooms of doomed ships. America’s glory days, in other words.
Titanicat confirms the near-universal belief that calicos aren’t really cats. According to Bumblepedia, they are poop nuggets squeezed out by Satan himself. Their feline qualities are owed to the random furs and appendages that stuck to them while bobbing around Hell’s septic tank. Think about it…. #Science.
Titanicat is the true story of how the Titanic’s ungrateful calico mouser abandoned ship just before castoff, taking her three favorite kittens with. A cabin boy found the unloved fourth kitten and reunited it with its horrible mother on the dock. This caused the scallywag to miss the boat, leaving Leonardo DiCaprio to have all the fun.**
Our boy was understandably annoyed, but the squinty-eyed momma cat was even more so because she hated this kitten. Why else would she have abandoned it after feeding it all the leftover iceberg magnets? Wait-iceberg magnets? Yes. Those are important to the story but not so important that the author thought to include them.
Luckily, Bee Mechanic is here to fill in the blanks. Calico puts iceberg magnets on Titanic. Calico abandons ship and her kitten. Iceberg magnets put Titanic on Spongebob’s lawn. Occam’s razor and stuff.
Even though she was probably bummed to have to figure out how to once again ditch the kitten she hated, Titanicat had to admit that things worked out pretty well for her. Not only did she end up looking like a hero for inadvertently saving that boy’s life, she took no blame for her masterminding of the disaster.
Titanicat won the Golden Sower award, and now it gets the Bumblebot Sting of Approval.
On a personal note,
My Omaha family once had what were without question the two most adorably named pets on the block, Taco and Belle. Taco was a small, loving tabby cat with a thirst for harmless mischief while Belle was, of course, a poop demon. They mostly tolerated each other in a yin/yang way but when the veil of darkness thickened too much, things got explosive. (apropos of their namesake)
I always rooted for Taco but wouldn’t have bet on her. They wouldn’t fight so much as Belle would ambush her. The ambushes always ended the same way: Taco would be pinned with Belle’s jaws clamped on her throat, the urgency of Taco’s protracted squeaks for mercy like water sizzling through a kinked garden hose. Thankfully, as far as I know, Belle always stopped short of springing a leak in Taco. So there’s that.
The day Belle was put down, *** a ceiling fan that had been inoperable for years had suddenly started working again. Not only had Belle returned to the Bosh painting from whence she came like Vigo in Ghostbusters, she took her fan-sabotaging instruments with her. Rest in peace, Hell’s Belle.
*A scrawling of an octopus means your child wishes they could latch onto you in a forever hug with even more arms. A drawing of a shark swimming away from a treasure chest means they sharted, then hid the dirty diaper in their toy box.
** King of the World contest- Winner. Nude Passenger Sketch contest- Winner. Water Treading contest- Participant
*** Too many spider hatchlings in the cavity where her heart should have been.
good girl poop girl